sunny days

I cant believe how warm it is today! It was so nice to get outside and go to the park with Ramsey and some friends and have the sun shining down on us!

I havent blogged in a while, i really havent had much to say. We are still very encouraged by everyone and their prayers and are thankful for the support we do have. I think right now we are just trying to get through each day some days are ok and some days are terrible where we are full of anger and sadness.

My biggest struggle right now is trying to remember things about Evie. I dont know what it is but i feel like i cant remember anything about the girls when it was them together. I want to watch videos to hear her voice, look at pictures to see her smile but sometimes the more i do the angrier i get. Grief is definintely a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts and feelings. We have started counseling and really enjoyed our first session. I think it will be very good for us.

We went back to church for the first time last Sunday. This was very hard for me for some reason. I didnt really want to go but i knew i needed to go. I was very hesitant to go into the sanctuary because that is where Evies service was, i am sure i will eventually but i can't sit in there and look at the pulpit, so we went to the service in the gym. I struggled so much with singing. I couldn't bring myself to sing all the praise songs. I wanted to but couldnt, i wasnt in a "praise Jesus" mood. I just cried the whole time. I was inspired by our speaker though, Crawford Loritts. He was really great and spoke about revival and how we need God to revive our hearts. What a very personal sermon for me to hear.

Well now i am honestly sitting hear with a blank mind so i think i will just show you some recent pics of what we have been doing :)

We found out our friends Brent and Debra are having a BOY! Cameron David will be here in June :)

Riley and Ramsey are so excited about their new boyfriend...

My friend Stephanie came in town!

We had dinner at her parents and played with Robbins and William

Ramsey had a stare down with Sophie :)

We celebrated the birth of sweet Hannah with a sip and see with friends.

This is Meredith with her two girls and her mom.
We went to Sega gym when it snowed this week. Ramsey loved jumping on the trampoline and running around. We did smack our face on the ground though and ended up with a big knot on our forwhead and a bloody nose..but we got over it pretty fast and did it all over again.

Pump it up for preschool time...do not go on MLK day.. it was crazy!

This picture trips me out though. I think we are making the same screaming face! ha

Another friend from highschool, Anna, came in town with her two kiddos and we played all day at my parents then had a wonderful girsl night out. This mainly envolved going to GiGi's to get cupcakes and then driving all around looking at homes. We actually used to do this when we were in hghschool. We would drive all around the million dollar home neighborhoods. I don't know why this was fun, but it was with a car full of girlfriends. Then we met Hayley and Lyndi for drinks and apps at Elfos. We did alot of reminiscing which was so fun and i truly was at peace the whole time i was with these girls. Everytime i am with my dgroup girls which is Hayley, Stephanie( who i talked about earlier)Anna and Lyndi and our leader, Amber, who is now my sis in law, i think of our group verse. Hebrews 10:24-25 "And let us consider how we may spur one another to love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another and all more as you see the day approaching". I think it is very rare for a group to remain friends and keep in touch for this long. We were put together as a discipleship group when we were freshman in highschool, almost 15 years ago!

Ramsey and Ellie

Garland and Will

My friend Katie painted this awesome picture and gave it to me last night. Katie is a wonderful artist who sells paintings in stores around Memphis and also has Art and Soul Paint Parties. The parties are so much fun, check out the one i had here. I absolutely love it, i will treasure this!

Evie is on the left and Ramsey is on the right :)

Yesterday while Ramsey was at school my friends Audra and Anna surprised me with a spa day!! We felt like the Real Housewives of Germantown! ha We got massages and then they had lunch and mimosas for us after. It was the perfect day with sweet friends.
I really dont know what i would do without Jonathan, Ramsey, my family and friends. One thing we have been told is to Cling to God and Cling to each other during this time and we are doing our best.

Today i am clinging to this verse, that my friend Emily shared with me on a frame she sent for Ramsey. "Therefore you now have sorrow, but i will see you again and your heart will rejoice and no one will take your joy away from you" John 16:22

A girl after my own heart

Ramsey found this at our friends house and knew what to do with it!

I wonder how?! :)

MOPS

I joined a group called Mothers Of Pre Schoolers..MOPS :) It was the best decision i ever made. I had heard different things about it and decided to try it out. We meet the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month and we have breakfast and usually some type or speaker and then meet in small groups. It is a time of prayer and socializing and we do service projects and play groups and couples nights and all kinds of fun stuff. They have childcare as well which is always nice!

I knew the ladies were wonderful but i realized just how special this group of ladies were the day before Evies Funeral. I totally forgot about what to do with Ramsey during the funeral until someone asked me the day before. Oh my gosh one more thing to worry and think about. I didn't want her there but then i did. I thought she could stay in the church preschool and then if i needed to check on her i could. I didn't want anyone to have to stay with her at home and then not come to the funeral etc.. My wonderful sister in law got a call from our friend Kelly who is in MOPS and asked if Ramsey could come to their house. They decided to have a meeting place at a girls house where the ladies could drop off their kids and some moms would come to the visitation and some would stay with kids and then they would switch up. So they offered to let Ramsey stay at that house and play with the kids. Perfect idea! We worked it out to where Ambers mom would take her there during the visitation, then pick her up after the funeral.

Them deciding this and thinking of that was perfect. A big weight had been lifted off my shoulders thanks to them!

I debated about going back to MOPS after christmas break just because i knew it would be hard and it was already so hard the day before to drop Ramsey off at school without Evie. So it was a last minute decision and that morning i ended up having the desire to go. Mainly because they had done so much for me, i wanted to say thank you and i knew they would be encouraging for me.

I am so glad i did, they prayed for me and just lifted me up that day. They allowed me to share my thoughts with no judgements and just cry. I felt so loved.

We met again on Wednesday and they blew me away again. They got me a new BOB stroller like this...

I have a double BOB but I haven't used it mainly because it is to cold to be outside! ha but it also makes me sad to look at. I don't want to just push ramsey in it ya know. I am sure if we have any more children i will use it again but i had been thinking about what i was going to do. I have not shared that with anyone, mainly just a thought i had and then told myself it was stupid, but the ladies just had the idea and thought of that on their own. What a "God thing" :)
They also told me they will be donating to Life Choices every March in honor of Evie for her birthday and my friend Leigh Ann made this pillow with a picture of my Evie for Ramsey to sleep with.

Something we will treasure forever!!

All of this to say i am so gad God tugged at my heart to join this group of women. I feel lifted up every time i go and i am thankful for each of them. If you have MOPS group in your area, i encourage you to join!

Special Gifts

I started this blog when i got put on bed rest with the girls, so it pretty much turned into their babybook. I started thinking that if something happened to blogspot and i lost everything what would i do, so i published my blog! I used blurb and It was quite time consuming ( for someone like me who is very picky) but totally worth it in the end and it was very well done by the company. I am very happy with it! I thought it would be neat to get one done each year and something special for Ramsey to have when she is older.

Here she is :)

Back cover dedicated to my Evie girl!

Another thing i received in the mail this week was a flag for Evies gravesite ( i have got to come up with a happier word) My sweet friend Krista sent it to me. She lost her daughter, Ava, last year and she has one for her and changes the picture out frequently.

It makes it a little bit easier to go knowing i will see her smiling face.

Luke's Baptism

Our nephew Luke was Baptized on January 9th!

Claire and Chris had the family and close family friends over for lunch afterwards

Luke is crawling now!

This girl was worn out and couldnt even finish her lunch!

What a special event, we were happy to be a part of it.

We love you Luke!

concerns

People have asked how Evie passed away. Evie passed away in her sleep. We will not have an exact reason for several weeks. Preliminary autopsy showed some type of infection but the actual one is yet to be determined. She was happy, acted normal and showed no obvious symptoms of anything the day before she passed away. We are still in shock and are confused as well. If you can continue to just pray for us we would appreciate it. Thank you for your concerns.

seeing the world through a new lens

I have really enjoyed my nikon Jonathan got me for my birthday. As most of you know, i love pictures and i am so glad that i do because i have so many of Evie it makes my heart happy. Her pictures and videos will be all we have to show Ramsey when she is older. I wanted a new lens for Christmas and Jonathan got me the 35 mm f 1.8 and i love it. I have been taking pics like crazy and playing with it. It is a little bit harder to use because you cant zoom and you have to focus it but it also has an auto focus to help you out if you need it. anyway, i definitely recommend it and here are a few shots from the past week!!

Playing outside before it got really cold here!

I love how it takes much better low light/indoor shots.

Ramsey has crazy hair when she doesnt have a bow in!

My sweet puppy who is feeling ( or at least acting ) like she feels better.

She is eating and not getting sick when she does.

She had fun playing in the snow and seems to have much more energy.

We are so thankful!!

I love my baby girl!

Some pics of Evie and Ramseys sweet friends from Addies Birthday party!

Owen

Garland

Hannah

Ann Catherine

We had so much fun playing in the snow we got Monday!

Thank you Evie :)

We are trying our best to make each day normal for Ramsey, whatever that means. We are always "busy" people and don't say no to a lot of things, which of course can be a problem but we really just enjoying doing things. We enjoy being with friends and going to different places. I think because of this Evie got to go and see so many things kids her age would not have gotten to see yet. We are definitely trying to do less, mainly because some days i just don't even care. At the same time if i just sit here i get depressed and so i try to blog or or go for a walk or take Maddie outside, while Ramsey naps. I am mainly just saying these things because so many people ask, how are you still going and doing and my main answer for that is because it makes me feel better and Evie would want me to go and do and not sit and let the Devil get in my head about the What if's that continuously run through my mind.

At the same time, i do not feel like i am "avoiding" my emotions by doing. I am grieving, i cry several times a day, i get angry several times a day and i think about Evie constantly. We all grieve differently and for me i am choosing to live each day to the fullest because i know what it feels like for your world to be turned upside down in a matter of hours and i don't want to have any regrets. I want Evies name to be celebrated, i want her death to be turned into something positive, i want to help people and i want Evie to be proud, to look down and say, "thats my momma, isn't she the best"!

The Most Magical Place on Earth....

....was crazy crowded!!!

Note to self: Do not go to Orlando in between Christmas and New Years! ha

We planned on going there after Christmas and decided to still go anyway. It was a nice trip with the family and Ramsey had a wonderful time!

Looking at Cinderella's castle.

They were doing a show when we first got there and she loved it!

Then we walked around and tried to go to some rides but the waits were all over and 1 1/2! Then they had Mickeys Christmas Parade and i think i liked it as much as Ramsey!

Her Favorite part..seeing "Ella"

Oh how i would have given anything to hear Evie gasp and smile when she saw her.

She was always so in awe of everything.

We ate lunch then Ramsey passed out!

Since we couldn't ride anything and lucky us didn't have to have our fingerprints scanned with our tickets, Rob was able to use moms ticket and we went back after Ramsey went to sleep!

It was so pretty at night, the castle had lights all over it, we rode all the fun rides. We were thanking Evie all night because somehow we kept getting Fast Passes and not having to wait in lines! They had another electric light parade and then fireworks.

Ramsey really enjoyed the water this time around. Evie is my water baby and Ramsey usually doesn't like it as much, but she was jumping in from the side by the end of the morning. She even sat in the float!

After she woke up she started playing peek a boo with ashlee! ha

It was so funny seeing her hide behind my leg

Then jump out and just giggle! Music to my ears:)

Every time she sees our phones or my computer she says sissy and wants to look at pictures. She will sit there and watch videos and point to her every time she sees her. I am so glad we have these memories for her to keep forever.

We went to City Walk and ate dinner and rode the carousel.

Ramsey girl loves to dance and she headed straight for the Latin Quarter Restaurant and club and did her thing! ha

The rest of the week we swam, the boys played golf, me and Amber got manicures and pedicures, we did some Mall/Outlet shopping. Which were also crazy packed!

It was nice to be out of town with my family. We missed Evie so much and i wish i could have taken her Disney and seen her face and watched her watch everything, watch her swimming and just everything.

Reality set in today when i took Ramsey back to school today. Walking in without Evie, getting her belongings from the classroom, then i signed Ramsey in an Evie wasn't on the roll anymore. I lost it and this reminded me..she really is gone. The world is still turning. It's supposed to stop and for the weeks after she died and through christmas and our vacation its like it had but today reality set in. I am going to have to do normal everyday things, without my daughter. How am i going to do this? I cried leaving school and was happy to see my friend Kelly outside. I enjoyed my time talking to her, she was very encouraging to me. Then i got in my car and cried the whole way to chickfila (my comfort food) and then decided to go to our house and take down Christmas. I think i worried everyone when i said i was going to the house by myself, but i wanted to do it and needed to do it. It was nice to be alone. Then crazy me decided to get Evies clothes together because i want the ones with her name on them and special things to be made into a quilt. Boy was that hard, i cried the whole time, but what a release. I really needed a day to myself to do that. I usually am always trying to "hold it together" for jonathan and Ramsey and everyone but i didn't have to hold it together alone in my house. It was just me, God, Evie and well Maddie ( i made her come with me)

Then i got home and had an email from my sweet friend Erica.

She read Jesus Calling today and this is what she told me it said..

I want you to learn a new habit.. Try saying " I trust you, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who i AM in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of my Love for you.

This Simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective, through the Light on My universal presence, fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in me no matter what. You receive blessing gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trustin Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to me.

Another friend, Betsy, sends me a prayer each day.

A friend of hers who lost her son said some days she didn't know what to say or pray to God about. I know for me personally somedays i don't want to talk to God. I know i should but i feel the same way, i don't have anything to say. She offered to send me a prayer for me to say each day and this was todays.

What a perfect prayer for today.

Dear Lord, My world feels like darkness yet i know with you there is only light ( Psalm 139:12) Shine your light into my darkness. Go to the deepest caves in my soul and give me hope that life will not always be this dark. You are my only hope. Help my unbelief. Amen

Thank you for your continued emails, prayers, comments and support. Our road is getting harder and we really need it.

Bittersweet Christmas

Well Christmas certainly flew by right in front of me! Its already January 3rd somehow.

We did our best to have a good Christmas. We miss Evie more and more everyday and i was so sad not being able to see her face when she came to see what santa brought or tear into presents and sit in Santas lap. All of these things are of course me just being selfish because why we she want to do those things. She was at the party of the year, helping Jesus open his presents and sitting in his lap! Kind of puts things in perspective. I know she would not want to come back but i sure want her here. In a way i was kind of ready for Christmas to be over. I wanted to enjoy it and i did through Ramseys eyes but pretty much i didn't care. I sometimes get to the point where i feel guilty if i am enjoying myself. I know that Evie wants me to but it is still hard. The holidays cant help but stay busy and the world still is turning so we are trying to still make the best of each day. Ramsey certainly helps me do that.

Here is a quick glimpse into our past few weeks!

Jonathans birthday was December 19th and i already had a surprise planned for him before Evie passed away so we decided to still do it. We thought it would be good for us to get away and spend time just the two of us. We headed downtown and spent the night at the Peabody Hotel then i had his friends meet us at Itta Bena on Beale. He was very surprised! We woke up Saturday and had a couples massage, watched the Peabody Ducks come to the lobby, ate breakfast at The Arcade, went to the Lorraine Motel, Rock and Soul Museum and then Graceland! A full day of Memphis things. We both were born and raised here but there are so many things we haven't done and don't know about Memphis, so it was very interesting!
I went to a play group with friends. I have stated over and over how blessed i am with sweet friends and i am glad they got this together. I thought it would be good for me and Ramsey but i had such a hard time and broke down to them at the end. It was so hard seeing all the kids running around playing but Evie wasn't there. It made me miss her more than i thought it would. Even the daily mundane things like getting her ready, putting her in the car seat and then unloading her. I only had one child to do, it was kind of depressing. Two is normal, one is not. I know Ramsey had fun playing with her friends so that helped make it better.
Christmas Eve rolled around and i totally forgot we never took a picture with Santa! So we headed to the Avenue and he was still there. The girls started to recognize Santa and would say hohoho and point him out so i wasn't sure if Ramsey would get upset or not. Last year they just sat there. We walked in the store and Ramsey froze! haha she was terrifed. She didn't cry... yet..but she just stared at him. She finally went and sat on the bench near him then got to courage to walk in front of him..while watching him of course. Then we deicded to back her into him and then take the pic real fast...this is what happened..

Why do we torture our kids like this! ha

i don't remember if i mentioned this in other blogs but Maddie is sick and started getting sick the wkd after Evie passed away. She wouldn't eat, was throwing up and so we took her into the vet and they discovered she was in Kidney failure, that was my breaking point. This certainly caused my screaming crying meltdown that i was told would eventually happen. She spent the whole week before Christmas at the vet and they would be giving her fluid during the day and we brought her home at night. She wouldn't eat for the vet or us. She didn't even want our food! Her energy started coming back because of the fluids. Since the vet was closed for Christmas we were not allowed to get her at night during the wkd. I have to mention for those that don't know, that i gave Maddie to Jonathan on Christmas eve 9 years ago. So our first Christmas without Maddie or Evie. Another reason i just wanted it to be over! We were finally able to get her Monday Morning and she seemed to be feeling much better and finally ate some food for us. Oh and another extremely generous anonymous person paid our entire vet bill, Can you believe it?! I pray that if you are reading this that God blesses you so much! I am thankful for you!

Doesnt she look pitiful?

Here are some Christmas pics!

Christmas Eve at Papaws

Santa came to Nana and Papas house!

Christmas Day at Chris and Claires

Playing with friends in her new bounce house that takes up most of my parents playroom :)

Next post is all Disney :)