Sleepless Nights

I actually haven't had to many. You can ask Jonathan, I usually lay my head on the pillow and that is it. After Evie died Jonathan had a very hard time sleeping, constantly checking on Ramsey. I must have been to emotionally and physically exhausted cause i was out. Not saying that he wasn't but that is just what happened. Jonathan and my parents are very good about checking on Ramsey. I used to check on the girls all the time but now i absolutely can not do it. Once Ramsey is asleep in her room i can't go in there. I am in bed before Jonathan most nights so he will check on her before he goes to bed. My wake up call is her talking just like it has always been with the girls.

Last night was my first night in the new house without Jonathan. If you know me at all i hate with a passion being home alone. The craziest things happen, i think i have talked about this before. But tornados, house fires, break ins on both sides of our house, prank phone calls etc all seem to happen when its just me at home.

I am also used to having a big ole lab in bed with me. Growing up and when we were married. Except Maddie would always perk up at noises only she heard and then that would scare me so we would walk around and look for creepers outside the windows half the night.

No Maddie to protect me last night, that is when i miss her the most, that and when i get home there is no one at the door to greet me.

I am totally making a long story longer so i will get to the point. I went to sleep ok last night and then Ramseys angel care beeped (Jonathans friends gave it to us when he was having a tough time sleeping, it detects her heart rate and movements and if nothing is detected within 20 seconds it beeps and then goes nutso beeping) Last night it just beeped once so it woke me up but then it starting ticking away again so i knew she was fine or at least i hoped she was. I do know that i should have gone to check on her but i couldn't do it. I sat up in the bed and watched her on the monitor, waiting for her to move. When i clicked on the monitor she was laying face down in the corner of the bed, the exact position Evie was in when i found her. My heart was racing, but i just couldn't go in her room. Finally after a couple minutes she rolled over,major sigh of relief. I layed back down and stared at the ceiling for a good two hours. I talked to God and Evie and then got angry and sad and mad and frustrated and eventually i think i cried myself to sleep, thats the last thing i remember. Ramsey was my wake up call this morning around her usual 8:30 and i couldn't even move i was so tired. I think i laid there until i heard her saying "momma diapa change, poopy diapa, diapa change" over and over. That actually made me smile.

It took us a long time to get going this morning. I was sad and in a bad mood. I thought going to a friends house to play would help and it did somewhat. We came home because some sweet friends were bringing us a housewarming gift. Ramsey was winy and cried half the time. It's almost like having people at her house threw her for a loop or something. Since she was acting this way, I wanted to cry too but to not show any emotion in front of people ( i do not pride myself in this personality trait) i took it out on Ramsey and was very frustrated with her. After they left, we had a little talk about the way we act when company is over or yada yada yada to a 2 year old.

I walked into the kitchen to get lunch started and a couple minutes later she walked into the kitchen and said "i'm back" mom, hi, i'm back" to which i responded, glad to have you back. She walked over to me hugged my leg so tight just like my sweet Evie would do and kissed my leg and said lus you momma. WOW, talk about some major tears. I told her i was sorry too and then we were fine.

Talk about knowing what i needed, Ramsey sure does half the time. I have been amazed at how sweet and compassionate she has become. For all that she has been through, for her to even have and ounce of sweetness and compassion has amazed me.

Its so funny to think about how that all went down is how i am with God. I blamed him, wined to him and cried to him half the night and for me to just say Im back God, its me, i'm okay now and his immediate response to me would just be "i love you". It makes it easier for me to do the same for Ramsey. I am glad we have each other to be a comfort. I pray that she will always be able to come to me and tell me when she is angry or upset, even if it is about me and i pray that i will always be understanding and a good listener for her. She will have a lot of questions growing up and i pray that i can be there for her as much has she has helped me these past 9 months.

I love you Ramsey, i hope you know how proud i am of you :)

now its time for a nap :)

I sure do miss my companion

Evie's Special Place

The Beach!

We went back to Destin for a trip just the three of us. A very relaxing trip of sleeping in, being on the beach until sunset and going to bed late. We didn't eat any where special or do anything too exciting, just relaxed, it was perfect! I even left my camera in the condo most of the trip...can you believe it?!

Ramsey loved the pool the most

Baytowne

I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to go back here. I think i cried the whole time we were there. Evie loved the carousel and dancing to the music. Ramsey wanted me to hold her most of the time we were there to, i wonder if she sensed the same thing.

Her face cracks me up

Little gymanst

Lately...

..We have been busy!

We closed one our new house

unloaded our pods

Headed to the beach just the three of us

The best part has been cuddling with our Evie quilt!

We received it this week and it was more than we could have imagined. Nancy did an amazing job and the day we got it Jonathan and i looked at each piece of clothing and had a story and memory from each one. What a special gift this is for us and for Ramsey. Ramsey lays on the couch and watches movies with it. It makes me feel like Evie is with us and it seems to be the same way with Ramsey.

Now we are living in the new house, unloading boxes and trying to get settled in.

It has been a crazy two weeks!

Lebonheur

There are two very special races coming up to benefit Lebonheur and some of our sweet friends. We would love for anyone and everyone to sign up and support them!

The first race is the Forrest Spence 5k.

August 27th at Overton Park

Brittany and David Spence are some college friends of ours and have been so special in helping us cope with losing Evie . They have recently moved to Boston but i really enjoyed meeting with Brittany after Evie passed away. It was good to have someone to talk to who understood what i was going through. Their son Forrest passed away when he was 55 days old. His life has made such a huge impact thanks to Brittany and David. You can hear more about their story and what the Forrest Spence Fund has done here.

The next race is the Lebonheur Pumpkin Run.

October 8th at Marsh Headquarters.

You can sign up and support our friends the Bawcums and run for Team Nola Gracyn!

Here is the link to their team page

I got an email from Desiree asking if they could put in memory of Evie on the shirts. I thought this was such a sweet gesture. The shirts are so cute!

*Correction*

If you sign up for the race you will get the shirts from Lebonheur not for Team Nola so email Desiree if you would like a shirt for their team, this is the one with Evie on it also.

Sorry for the mix up.

gobaby25@aol.com

Nola was born with Hydrocephalus and has spent a lot of time at Lebonheur.

Check out their blog to hear more about sweet Nola.

See you guys at the races!!!

We will post more info about the St. Jude Marathon and Team Evie when we get it all worked out!

Little Hoot Designs

Little Hoot Design Show

Fall and Winter show

Adorable clothes with custom appliques and monograms!

We would love for you guys to come!!

August 24th 4-7 pm

August 25th 1-4 pm

I will have the clothes at my house both days so if you cant come during those times let me know and we can schedule a time. You can also order at anytime not just during the show so check out their blog

littlehootdesigns

They are also on Facebook!

If you would like more information like location and stuff like that post a comment with your email!

Some cutie hootie models :)

I Loved the girls pants last fall. She also made I love UT shirts.

Check out her blog for Football samples!

8 Months

8 months since i've seen my sweet Evie.

My friend Natalie sends me sweet emails with pictures she finds of Evie from her camera, she sent me this one this morning. It makes me happy seeing her so happy.

One things that helps me is to know in Heaven she gets to be happy everyday and nothing can take that smile away.

I loved when the girls fit in one swing, notice Ramseys little head behind her. ha!

Cowboys and Indians

Several couples threw a baby shower for our friends Chris and Kelley Saturday night. These guys have been friends since they were very young and are so funny when they get together. They remember everything about each other, even what they would have ordered at a late night Taco Bell run in High school..now thats friendship! ha

This bag caused quite a but of controversy...jonathan hates when i buy bags.

We do have several and usually i don't have to buy one but A.We have no boy bags, obviously and B. if it is gender neutral it isn't big enough for a boppy, so i bought one.

Jonathan told this story and these guys ran with it all night long. These guys sure know how to mess with each other, their hysterical :)

We cant wait to meet baby Grayson!!

Run for Donuts

Jonathan did another triathlon in Oxford this weekend. Friday night, we ate dinner, grabbed some ice cream and walked around the square. It was actually a "cool" night for the first time in a long time. Jonathan woke up early Saturday for the trialthon. He told me he should be finishing around 9. Jonathan also told me there would be chickfila afterwards so i will wake up for that! I got up there at 8:30 and he had already finished! I felt so bad i missed the whole thing. He was faster than he thought, which is great. This triathlon was longer than last weekend and he did this one faster!
We stayed in Oxford most of the day, ate lunch then headed back home to get ready for a baby shower Saturday night.

Ramsey had fun with Nana and Papa and she even got up early to go watch Rob run in a 5k. Papa told her they would get donuts after. On the way there Nana said we are going to see Rob run in a race and she said "yea, run for donuts"...like mother like daughter :)
While they waited for Rob to finish they walked around the mall. My mom said she was so funny when she would see these little girls. She would talk to them and touch their faces.

Yay Rob! Check out that time!

We've got some fast boys in this family and some donut and chickfila eating girls :)

iPhone Pics

I forgot about this picture Jonathan took when we were headed to Nashville last weekend...
doesn't seem so safe to have a dog on a harley passing us going over 80 on I40 does it... at least he is wearing a helmet..

This is Ramseys new favorite thing. They are building a new gated subdivision near my parents and they left this barn on one of the lots. Every time we pass Ramsey wants to go see the barn, if the gate is open. Usually we just stay in a our car and say hi to it but Papa took her to look inside this time. Its going to be a sad day when they permanently have the gate closed, we are going to have to find us another barn to look at.

A Year Ago

Every now and then when i am thinking about Evie i look back at pictures from a year ago from the date. Not to harp on what was but just to bring back good memories and grieve her as well.

For those of you that don't know, we have found a house and are closing next week. I am excited and ready to move in but i asked Jonathan last night if he would ever feel like this house was home. We both don't think so, at least not for a while. Home is supposed to be "where your heart is" but mine is still very broken. This house might help to heal me, help me to "move on" but a home to me would be with Jonathan Evie, Ramsey, Catherine and Maddie( of course), my whole family in one place.

I was in the car the other day and missing Evie and i flipped to Klove. I swear God knows what i need to hear when i need to hear it. Klove has been very good for me to listen to. Anyway, the song Homesick from Mercy me came one. I swear it was my words pouring out into that song. If you have never truly listened to the words you need to. It is exactly how i feel, I have never been more homesick now. I mean we have been living at the house i was born and raised in since December, the place i was homesick for at camp but i have never been more homesick now.

Earth is our temporary home, i know this and in all honesty i guess we have all felt some sort of homesickness, earning to be with our Heavenly father and loved ones who have gone home before us.

I know this home will be a fresh new start for us, i want to be excited to start over but i don't want to start over. Its not fare that i have to start over and get used to the new normal i have talked about before. I want what i had in the pictures i looked at from August 4, 2010. Evie starting to walk more( she officially walked a year ago today) throwing Maddie a ball in the back yard waiting on daddy to get home. I know in the beginning i said not to harp on , its not my purpose but of course it is easy to do that.

I know this feeling of being homesick will never go away, some times it will be very prominent some days not as much. Its just a new normal feeling i will have to get used to until we are home again and i get to see this face.

She had been walking some but just started walking everywhere today

Look how different Ramsey looks!! She has grown so much!

I have never really thought she looked much like Jonathan until this picture.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

The Boro

We went to Murfreesboro this weekend for a baby shower for my friend Ann Elizabeth.

She is on bed rest right now so we are praying sweet Will cooks a little bit longer :)

Saturday night we had a cookout at the Ruckers house

Harper and Ramsey watching Dora

I miss my sweet friends!

On our way out we went to Franklin to meet baby Max!

He is doing so well, thank you for all of your prayers.

Isn't he the cutest?!

He looks just like Tyler in this picture i think

Ramsey loved on Max

Checking out Max's booboo

We had a wonderful weekend seeing friends we miss so much!

Hope to do it again soon!

Sharpshooter

Jonathan finished his triathlon!

He did great and finished about 15 minutes faster than last time.

Off they go...

We ate chilila, played in dirt and spun in circles while we waited

Then it was transition time between biking and running

Ramsey ran out saying "my daddy my daddy"

Off he goes again

Kennon and Ramsey had fun chasing each other around and trying to climb trees

Congrats guys!!