seeing the world through a new lens

I have really enjoyed my nikon Jonathan got me for my birthday. As most of you know, i love pictures and i am so glad that i do because i have so many of Evie it makes my heart happy. Her pictures and videos will be all we have to show Ramsey when she is older. I wanted a new lens for Christmas and Jonathan got me the 35 mm f 1.8 and i love it. I have been taking pics like crazy and playing with it. It is a little bit harder to use because you cant zoom and you have to focus it but it also has an auto focus to help you out if you need it. anyway, i definitely recommend it and here are a few shots from the past week!!

Playing outside before it got really cold here!

I love how it takes much better low light/indoor shots.

Ramsey has crazy hair when she doesnt have a bow in!

My sweet puppy who is feeling ( or at least acting ) like she feels better.

She is eating and not getting sick when she does.

She had fun playing in the snow and seems to have much more energy.

We are so thankful!!

I love my baby girl!

Some pics of Evie and Ramseys sweet friends from Addies Birthday party!

Owen

Garland

Hannah

Ann Catherine

We had so much fun playing in the snow we got Monday!

Thank you Evie :)

We are trying our best to make each day normal for Ramsey, whatever that means. We are always "busy" people and don't say no to a lot of things, which of course can be a problem but we really just enjoying doing things. We enjoy being with friends and going to different places. I think because of this Evie got to go and see so many things kids her age would not have gotten to see yet. We are definitely trying to do less, mainly because some days i just don't even care. At the same time if i just sit here i get depressed and so i try to blog or or go for a walk or take Maddie outside, while Ramsey naps. I am mainly just saying these things because so many people ask, how are you still going and doing and my main answer for that is because it makes me feel better and Evie would want me to go and do and not sit and let the Devil get in my head about the What if's that continuously run through my mind.

At the same time, i do not feel like i am "avoiding" my emotions by doing. I am grieving, i cry several times a day, i get angry several times a day and i think about Evie constantly. We all grieve differently and for me i am choosing to live each day to the fullest because i know what it feels like for your world to be turned upside down in a matter of hours and i don't want to have any regrets. I want Evies name to be celebrated, i want her death to be turned into something positive, i want to help people and i want Evie to be proud, to look down and say, "thats my momma, isn't she the best"!

The Most Magical Place on Earth....

....was crazy crowded!!!

Note to self: Do not go to Orlando in between Christmas and New Years! ha

We planned on going there after Christmas and decided to still go anyway. It was a nice trip with the family and Ramsey had a wonderful time!

Looking at Cinderella's castle.

They were doing a show when we first got there and she loved it!

Then we walked around and tried to go to some rides but the waits were all over and 1 1/2! Then they had Mickeys Christmas Parade and i think i liked it as much as Ramsey!

Her Favorite part..seeing "Ella"

Oh how i would have given anything to hear Evie gasp and smile when she saw her.

She was always so in awe of everything.

We ate lunch then Ramsey passed out!

Since we couldn't ride anything and lucky us didn't have to have our fingerprints scanned with our tickets, Rob was able to use moms ticket and we went back after Ramsey went to sleep!

It was so pretty at night, the castle had lights all over it, we rode all the fun rides. We were thanking Evie all night because somehow we kept getting Fast Passes and not having to wait in lines! They had another electric light parade and then fireworks.

Ramsey really enjoyed the water this time around. Evie is my water baby and Ramsey usually doesn't like it as much, but she was jumping in from the side by the end of the morning. She even sat in the float!

After she woke up she started playing peek a boo with ashlee! ha

It was so funny seeing her hide behind my leg

Then jump out and just giggle! Music to my ears:)

Every time she sees our phones or my computer she says sissy and wants to look at pictures. She will sit there and watch videos and point to her every time she sees her. I am so glad we have these memories for her to keep forever.

We went to City Walk and ate dinner and rode the carousel.

Ramsey girl loves to dance and she headed straight for the Latin Quarter Restaurant and club and did her thing! ha

The rest of the week we swam, the boys played golf, me and Amber got manicures and pedicures, we did some Mall/Outlet shopping. Which were also crazy packed!

It was nice to be out of town with my family. We missed Evie so much and i wish i could have taken her Disney and seen her face and watched her watch everything, watch her swimming and just everything.

Reality set in today when i took Ramsey back to school today. Walking in without Evie, getting her belongings from the classroom, then i signed Ramsey in an Evie wasn't on the roll anymore. I lost it and this reminded me..she really is gone. The world is still turning. It's supposed to stop and for the weeks after she died and through christmas and our vacation its like it had but today reality set in. I am going to have to do normal everyday things, without my daughter. How am i going to do this? I cried leaving school and was happy to see my friend Kelly outside. I enjoyed my time talking to her, she was very encouraging to me. Then i got in my car and cried the whole way to chickfila (my comfort food) and then decided to go to our house and take down Christmas. I think i worried everyone when i said i was going to the house by myself, but i wanted to do it and needed to do it. It was nice to be alone. Then crazy me decided to get Evies clothes together because i want the ones with her name on them and special things to be made into a quilt. Boy was that hard, i cried the whole time, but what a release. I really needed a day to myself to do that. I usually am always trying to "hold it together" for jonathan and Ramsey and everyone but i didn't have to hold it together alone in my house. It was just me, God, Evie and well Maddie ( i made her come with me)

Then i got home and had an email from my sweet friend Erica.

She read Jesus Calling today and this is what she told me it said..

I want you to learn a new habit.. Try saying " I trust you, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who i AM in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of my Love for you.

This Simple practice will help you to see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective, through the Light on My universal presence, fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in me no matter what. You receive blessing gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trustin Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to me.

Another friend, Betsy, sends me a prayer each day.

A friend of hers who lost her son said some days she didn't know what to say or pray to God about. I know for me personally somedays i don't want to talk to God. I know i should but i feel the same way, i don't have anything to say. She offered to send me a prayer for me to say each day and this was todays.

What a perfect prayer for today.

Dear Lord, My world feels like darkness yet i know with you there is only light ( Psalm 139:12) Shine your light into my darkness. Go to the deepest caves in my soul and give me hope that life will not always be this dark. You are my only hope. Help my unbelief. Amen

Thank you for your continued emails, prayers, comments and support. Our road is getting harder and we really need it.

Bittersweet Christmas

Well Christmas certainly flew by right in front of me! Its already January 3rd somehow.

We did our best to have a good Christmas. We miss Evie more and more everyday and i was so sad not being able to see her face when she came to see what santa brought or tear into presents and sit in Santas lap. All of these things are of course me just being selfish because why we she want to do those things. She was at the party of the year, helping Jesus open his presents and sitting in his lap! Kind of puts things in perspective. I know she would not want to come back but i sure want her here. In a way i was kind of ready for Christmas to be over. I wanted to enjoy it and i did through Ramseys eyes but pretty much i didn't care. I sometimes get to the point where i feel guilty if i am enjoying myself. I know that Evie wants me to but it is still hard. The holidays cant help but stay busy and the world still is turning so we are trying to still make the best of each day. Ramsey certainly helps me do that.

Here is a quick glimpse into our past few weeks!

Jonathans birthday was December 19th and i already had a surprise planned for him before Evie passed away so we decided to still do it. We thought it would be good for us to get away and spend time just the two of us. We headed downtown and spent the night at the Peabody Hotel then i had his friends meet us at Itta Bena on Beale. He was very surprised! We woke up Saturday and had a couples massage, watched the Peabody Ducks come to the lobby, ate breakfast at The Arcade, went to the Lorraine Motel, Rock and Soul Museum and then Graceland! A full day of Memphis things. We both were born and raised here but there are so many things we haven't done and don't know about Memphis, so it was very interesting!
I went to a play group with friends. I have stated over and over how blessed i am with sweet friends and i am glad they got this together. I thought it would be good for me and Ramsey but i had such a hard time and broke down to them at the end. It was so hard seeing all the kids running around playing but Evie wasn't there. It made me miss her more than i thought it would. Even the daily mundane things like getting her ready, putting her in the car seat and then unloading her. I only had one child to do, it was kind of depressing. Two is normal, one is not. I know Ramsey had fun playing with her friends so that helped make it better.
Christmas Eve rolled around and i totally forgot we never took a picture with Santa! So we headed to the Avenue and he was still there. The girls started to recognize Santa and would say hohoho and point him out so i wasn't sure if Ramsey would get upset or not. Last year they just sat there. We walked in the store and Ramsey froze! haha she was terrifed. She didn't cry... yet..but she just stared at him. She finally went and sat on the bench near him then got to courage to walk in front of him..while watching him of course. Then we deicded to back her into him and then take the pic real fast...this is what happened..

Why do we torture our kids like this! ha

i don't remember if i mentioned this in other blogs but Maddie is sick and started getting sick the wkd after Evie passed away. She wouldn't eat, was throwing up and so we took her into the vet and they discovered she was in Kidney failure, that was my breaking point. This certainly caused my screaming crying meltdown that i was told would eventually happen. She spent the whole week before Christmas at the vet and they would be giving her fluid during the day and we brought her home at night. She wouldn't eat for the vet or us. She didn't even want our food! Her energy started coming back because of the fluids. Since the vet was closed for Christmas we were not allowed to get her at night during the wkd. I have to mention for those that don't know, that i gave Maddie to Jonathan on Christmas eve 9 years ago. So our first Christmas without Maddie or Evie. Another reason i just wanted it to be over! We were finally able to get her Monday Morning and she seemed to be feeling much better and finally ate some food for us. Oh and another extremely generous anonymous person paid our entire vet bill, Can you believe it?! I pray that if you are reading this that God blesses you so much! I am thankful for you!

Doesnt she look pitiful?

Here are some Christmas pics!

Christmas Eve at Papaws

Santa came to Nana and Papas house!

Christmas Day at Chris and Claires

Playing with friends in her new bounce house that takes up most of my parents playroom :)

Next post is all Disney :)

Balloons

A child life specialist at Lebonheur suggested Ramsey release a balloon to symbolize Evie being gone and and not coming back. Seems rather harsh but we were told to be very concrete with her so that is what we have been doing.

We bought two balloons one with Evies picture for Ramsey and another one for us or for her if she got upset about the other one. We got to Evies gravesite and she did much better this time. When we went to the gravesite the day after her funeral, Ramsey laid down on the ground and didn't make a sound. It was so crazy to see. It was like she knew Evie was there or something. She went to the car fine but when we were leaving she had an absolute meltdown. We had to pull over and take her out of her car seat to try to comfort her and nothing worked, we tried to hold her, she wanted down, we put her down she wanted us to hold her. I have never seen her act that way and it was heartbreaking. I don't know if at that moment she realized Evie was gone or what. She finally calmed down and she hasn't done that since. She has actually been very sweet and happy which comforts us and helps us get through each day, so i am thankful for that. Please continue to pray for her little heart.

Anyway, i gave her the one with Evies picture on it and she immediately let it go and that silly balloon got stuck in the tree...
..and the whole time Ramsey is saying sissy sissy..i couldn't help but laugh, how ironic is that. You are telling your child to tell her sister bye and she isn't coming back and you release the balloon and it sticks in the tree next to us!

It was actually very emotional for us as well. Reality set in for sure, she really is never coming back. I find myself saying it over and over and i just can't believe it. I was holding the other balloon and i almost couldn't give it to Ramsey to let go. I didn't want Ramsey to have it because she just let the other one go without thinking and this had to be structured, right?! Then i thought about what Taylor said at Evies Funeral, we should have child like faith. Ramsey released her balloon without thinking. Why could i not do that? Why should releasing a balloon be so hard? Just do it Alicia, give Evie to God, let go of the balloon! I let her have it, she held it for a little while and then there it went, floating away freely going where the wind took it and then it was gone.

We headed to the car and after we strapped Ramsey in , Evie's balloon broke away from the tree and floated away. We told ourselves Evie wanted to hang out with us until we left :) We watched the balloon as long as we could until we couldn't see it anymore.

I never realized how releasing a balloon would be so emotional and symbolic at the same time. I am glad she told us to do that, i think it helped me more than Ramsey but she will understand it more when she is older. I definitely think this is something we will continue to do on their birthdays and other special times.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6

in other words..release your "balloons" he will take them were they need to go!

Jesus Calling

Yesterday was hard. I don't know what happened but i think my "numbness" is wearing off. I just wanted to cry all day. I missed Evie more yesterday than i have yet. Its almost like i forget she isn't here and than someone says something and my heart drops. This is going to be such a long road for us. My previous post was exactly how i was feeling at that moment but then my attitude completely changed. I was angry and bitter and felt all alone even though my family was with me and i had 100 emails of encouragement from all of you.

I have found some comfort in the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Everyone needs to have this book. I know for me, its hard to find time to sit and have a bible devotion or alone time with God. I know this is important but to be honest i don't do it. We do try to read this book each day and have done so everyday since Evie passed away. I did not read it friday morning but then before i went to bed i did and this is what it said....

"Come to me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in me you are complete. As you rest quietly in My Presence, My Light within you grows brighter and brighter. Facing the emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with my fullness. Therefore, rejoice on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate. Tell yourself that this is a perfect day to depend on me in childlike trust. If you preserve in this dependance as you go through the day, you will discover at bedtime that joy and peace have become your companions. You may not realize at what point they joined you on your journey, but you will feel the beneficial effects of their presence. The perfect end to such a day is a doxoloy of gratitude. I am He from whom all blessings flow"

I found comfort in his word that i am complete in Him. He is the only person that can make me whole. Not Jonathan,my family or anything else. Only him. I need to remind myself of this daily and when i feel alone, know that i can go to him and rest quietly in his presence and what's even better is to know that Evie is there to.

We have been looking at alot of videos and pics of Evie and just wanted to share a few favorites.

The last picture we took of Evie and its perfect.

Shows exactly the type of girl she was!

My beach bum.

She LOVED the beach when we went this year!

Playing with her BFF Mammie ( Maddie)

I wanted to just quickly say thank you to my sorority sisters.

Several of them put money together and bought us a mature pink dogwood tree in memory of Evie. What a special gift! We can plant it in our new home and every spring when it blooms we will think of our sweet Evie. It can also be a place for us to go sit and talk to her and for Ramsey to go as well. Thank you so much for doing that for us. Also, the majority of the guys that bought us our new roof were Jonathans fraternity brothers. We are thankful for the bonds we share and glad we "bought our friends" in college :) Thanks again

there are no words

I have heard this so much this week and i am starting to feel the same towards all of you.

I absolutely have no words to express my appreciation for all of the things that have happened to me this week.

One moment i am heartbroken thinking about my sweet Evie, the next moment i am thankful for the abundance of emails, texts, messages, flowers, food and blog comments that i read. Then overjoyed by my friends and the things they have done for us.

We are thankful for our Associate Pastor Taylor, our church family and Sunday school class.

We are thankful for the 700 plus people who came to celebrate Evies life.

We are thankful the anonymous person that paid for Evies Funeral Services. I will forever be grateful for what you have done. You are the most generous person and i know God will bless you for how you have blessed us.

We are thankful for each and every one of our friends. My friends that have come over and just sat with me, cried with me and gone out of their way to do whatever i have needed. Jonathans friends that went to our house ( for those of you that don't know, it is for sale) cleaned it, did the yard work and got it perfect for three showings this week( another thing i am thankful for because no one has come for a month) and thankful for those of you that bought us a new roof!! I was speechless when we went to by the house today. I was not expecting to see that. I was actually dreading going to to house and then once again God gave me Grace to get through being there by showing us how wonderful our friends are.

We are thankful for Jonathan's company and team mates and how gracious they have been and for the doctors and nurses Jonathan sees on a daily basis and how much they love our girls.

We are thankful for the amount of videos and pictures we have of Evie. We will always cherish these moments and Ramsey will too.

Most importantly, we are thankful for the 20 months we got to spend with our precious Evie Grace. She was a beacon of light, always happy, the best little dancer, the easiest and sweetest baby, her sisters cheerleader and Maddies best friend. I absolutely do not know what to do without her and i cant even begin to understand how Ramsey feels. She is out of sorts, sad, angry then happy. She is going through the same emotions we are but doesn't know how to tell us. She is sleeping alone, playing alone, taking a bath alone. She has never done this and i am heartbroken for her. She needs your prayers so bad.

My prayer for you is that you will love your babies every day, you will kiss them every day, you will hug them every day and you will cherish every minute you spend with them. I think back to the last day i spent with Evie. She wanted me to hold her and i was frustrated because i had so much christmas shopping, wrapping and cleaning to do. Did that matter, not one bit. I gave her a bath, put her pjs on, we read a book, i laid her in her bed and kissed her. If i had only known that would be the last time. You never know when something will be your last. What is crazy now is, i am not afraid to die. I always knew that i accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and because of that i knew i would go to heaven but still we are afraid to die. Not me, not any more. When i die i will be with my two sweet daughters who wonderfully share the middle name Grace. I need Grace now more than i ever have and i know God is giving it to me. I can feel it.

There are just not enough words or even the right words to say to all of you for what you have said and done.

May God bless you as much as he has blessed me.

Evie Grace Harrison

Our sweet Evie went to be with Jesus on December 9th.

We are heartbroken by the loss of our precious baby.

The celebration of her life will be at First Evangelical Church

Visitation at 11 am

Funeral following at 1 pm

and the burial at Memorial Park.

We appreciate your prayers during this time.