Friday marked one year since we lost Evie. It was a very hard day for us. I wasn't sure how i would feel the day of. The night before was even hard. I just kept thinking a year ago at this very moment i said goodnight to Evie for the last time. Ramsey actually had a fever Thursday night, so of course we were on edge. I slept ok but woke up sad. It just hit me, i hadn't been thinking about anything, i just opened my eyes and couldn't stop crying. It was hard to not relive the day. Eventhough it was mostly a blur, it still just kept replaying over and over in my head. The fact that it had actual been one year was such a shock to me. Everyone kept asking what we wanted to do which was so thoughtful. I had no idea though. Jonathan and i decided to spend it just the three of us. I finally made myself get out of bed and we went to chickfila for breakfast (my comfort food) and then ran some errands and went to Evie's Garden. We took her the little Christmas tree we bought and spent several hours out there. There were several special things out there that friends and family had brought and several people showed up while we were there to bring Evie flowers and presents. We spent the rest of the day at home and we watched The Princess and the Frog like 3 times i think, ha. Then the day was over. It came and went so fast just like this year had.
I am still at a loss, i can't seem to get my spirits lifted, my heart has literally been hurting for three days now and i can't breath. I honestly don't have anything profound to say except that i miss Evie so very much. We have been flooded with thoughtful friends, emails, texts, cards and flowers. We are so grateful for each and everything you guys have done.
We do feel loved and we do feel your prayers so thank you for that.
I prayed for you all day on Friday. I will keep praying, He will keep listening, and He will keep you going. I'm so very sorry for all you've been through. I just know God loves you so much and if you can't feel anything else, try to just feel loved.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. And I have no words of comfort or peace. In face, I don't even know you. But I am a mommy, like you and just can't even imagine the pain. :(
ReplyDeleteThought of you all week and weekend. Reliving it all is so hard. Prayers will continue to be with you.
ReplyDeleteAlicia,
ReplyDeleteI have no magic words or thoughts to offer on this painful anniversary. I really think there should be a better word for it. anniversaries are usually happy marking the year passing of a joyous event. It just doesn't fit here...maybe it is just me.
I do want to share this thought with you. I have been praying for your family from the moment I heard about your girl. I am of course a stranger to you. But as these things often do your story touched many and they shared and they shared some more and before you knew it thousands of us were joined in collective prayer for the healing of your family, especially Ramsey. I hope and pray this baby is a road to healing for your heart. This baby is never going to replace the losses you have endured. It will however validate the promise of love. The heart is sol capable of holding and nurturing grief and joy at the same time it is miraculous.
Here is what I came here to tell you...I hope I am not repeating something I have shared before. I just find peace amidst the horror of your loss and it's timing. One of my closest friends lost her 2 year old baby girl to leukemia on December 19th and she shared this at her funeral. She said in her deep desire to find hope she struggled with losing her girl so close to Christmas. Her pastor reminded her that in some ways it was perfect timing. When better than the season of miracles when a babe in a manger came to bring the gift of peace, the gift of forever. I pray for your forever with Evie Grace. I pray until then that there is joy in abundance. May you know that joy and peace that only a babe in the manger can bring on this anniversary and every day!
No amount of comforting words/sentiments can make a mother believe that her child belongs anywhere but in her arms, even if in our hearts we know that she (Evie) is in the arms of her heavenly father.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Like the others have said, I cannot find any words to comfort your or to relieve your hurt and pain. Just know that I think about you often and have prayed for you so many times!!! You are such a strong woman to be able to put your feelings into words and to share your thoughts about Evie with us. I wish I could end this comment with scripture or awesome words but I can't, however I am praying :)
ReplyDeletePraying for you, constantly. I hope it helps (rather than hinder) to think that with each passing year, month, and day, simply means you are that much closer to being with your sweet Evie Grace again. You have so much to look forward to in your time here on Earth with Ramsey and your latest miracle, while also having sweet babies in Heaven. I believe you are a blessed, very special and important mommy. Sending hugs and prayers from a stranger!
ReplyDeleteAlicia, it's Grace Griffin...do you mind sending me your email address please? ggbrock@me.com
ReplyDeleteYou and your family have been in my prayers all year but especially in the last week. I too know the heartache of losing a child and I definitely understand the feeling of physical pain and feeling like your breath has literally been taken from you. December 5th was the 7 year anniversary of my daughter Emma's passing. I still miss her everyday but the pain does ease some with time. I honestly never thought that it would but I feel like I turned a corner this year and I finally feel somewhat at peace with the knowledge that my baby girl is healthy and happy in the arms of God. I NEVER thought that I would feel that...I really just spent my days with the "what ifs" and wishing things could be different. I used to feel so guilty for living life and being happy and laughing...but I now realize that she would want me to keep living life. With time I pray that you will feel more at peace. The only thing I can say is that do it in your own time and in your own way. Don't rush it or let others make you feel like "Well enough time has passed...you should move on". Which I heard many times. Everyone grieves differently. I will continue to pray for you and your family and your new little blessing. I pray that each day brings new happiness.
ReplyDeleteWe pray for you continually. Carter and I have been talking a lot about her over the last few weeks. Her life made an impact on all of us.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs, Kristie