She went with me to the pharmacist and we passed Memorial Park. Every time we pass it she knows Sissy's garden is there and she said she wanted to go see it. I told her we would on our way home. Evie's granite was just put down last week, which is another story. It took over 10 months to get and i guess for me it makes it more real to see it down, but thats just part of it. It is very nice and has our verse on it and has Catherines name and birthdate as well. I was reading it to Ramsey and showing her everything. She loves pointing out letters so she layed there and we did that for a while. Then Evie's flag started blowing in the wind so she stood up and wanted to hug it and give her kisses. Then she said it, "What happened to her?" She asks where she is and stuff like that but nothing that specific.
I was a little taken back, i didn't even know she knew to ask that or what that even meant and i started to tear up and just said what i usually say, that she was with Jesus in heaven. I wanted to elaborate but i wasn't exactly sure what to say. I didn't want to say anything to worry or upset her. Then she asked me again and then when i responded, she could tell i was crying and when i do she gets upset and cries too, which in turn makes me cry more an so on. She just cries and says momma, momma over and over. I don't know why it upsets her so much when i cry. She layed her head on my shoulder and i told her it was ok to cry and momma cries when she is sad and you can to. She just kept crying and saying momma. I decided i had to pull it together so she would be ok. She went back to Evies flag and was messing with her flowers and just kept asking me what happened to her. I could tell my response wasn't good enough and it probably wouldn't be for a 2 year old but i was nervous telling her she died cause then she wouldn't understand that. I worried telling her she got really sick and had to go be with Jesus cause then i thought she would get upset if she got sick or jonathan and i got sick. We were told not to tell her Jesus took her because then that would scare her. So needless to say i was at a loss on what to say. I completely failed. I am hoping to sit her down and i should probably be honest with her but i just don't know what to say exactly. I know anything i say will be confusing and i just have to pray God gives me the correct words to say and hopefully another opportunity to share with her.
I don't know you but I have been following your story through your blog and my heart just hurts for you. Being a mom, I can't imagine what you are going through. I think that crying in front of Ramsey is very healthy, you are an amazing mother!
ReplyDeleteI do know you and you ARE an incredible mother!
ReplyDeleteThis just broke my heart! I came across your blog after Evie passed away. I just spent a week with my niece that is 3.5 as her twin was in the hospital. She would say what if I miss her...It just would break your heart. There is such an amazing bond between twins that can never be broken. Ramsey will always have that bond with her sister. You all are such amazing parents that she will never loose that "twin bond!
ReplyDeleteI think of you & your family often. I'm so sorry, but please don't feel as if you've failed. You are obviously a very caring, loving Momma who just didn't have the answer to a tragic question. Thoughts & prayers sent your way.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet sister, I pray God banishes any thought in your mind that you failed. You cannot fail - His unfailing love surrounds you, and will not let you fall.
ReplyDeleteI have no area of experience in this, and my only advice is to ask God to give you wisdom on what to say. His word is the truth - He cannot lie, and He tells us He will give us generous amounts of wisdome if we ask Him (James 1:5)
And prayer - pray that God will bless Ramsey with understanding and peace. That she will know how dearly loved Evie and her and you and Jonathan are to the Lord, and that it is in His perfect timing that each of our days are numbered and purposed to work out all things for good in Christ Jesus.
Blessings of peace for you.
This sucks. Our 2nd daughter was stillborn at 41w and our oldest was 25 months. She had come to all our appts etc and was so attached to her baby sister already. she was there when we found out she died. we let her hold her after she was born, took pics, etc. despite people telling us no. while seeing our daughter grieve was the absolute hardest part of this whole loss experience, it has been so important to us to be honest with her. we told her that catti died and went to heaven to be with God and Jesus, that we had a very sick heart/body that the doctors and medicine couldn't make better (specified what kind of sickness, one that medicine couldn't help, to help alleviate fear of sickness etc).
ReplyDeleteWe have had to revisit this hows and whys etc of this on a regular basis in the past almost 5 years, and it sucks every single time, but as our daughter grows and her cognitive ability changes, it's almost like she has to reprocess the whole thing-and we share a little more, discuss a little more in detail the hows and whys, age appropriate now at almost 7, is deeper than at 25 months, obviously. and it still sucks and still hurts but she needs to know the truth, and she needs to know it's ok when we cry and when she cries, and she does cry often (at least once a week) for her sister.
God has created in her a compassion and love and empathy for others that would not be there, without the loss of her sister. Part of His plan, I truly believe, was creating in Mairi (our oldest) a depth of character she otherwise would not have without walking this journey from a young age. I can't begin to guess His plans for her life, but I can only guess it must be something so important and big, in order to refine and give such depth to her at such a young age.
We have time, often weekly, to look at Catti's stuff, her pictures, her scrapbook, her urn, whatever, and talk about her, and our feelings, and now that i am pregnant again (she also has a little brother, who is 2, who is alive and ok, thank you God), and our fears and prayers for this new baby, and how I can't promise her God will let us keep this baby either, but we can certainly pray and ask Him to let us, and stuff.
sorry to ramble, but i just wanted to tell you, i read and lurk, and don't post, but i am a fellow loss mama who knows how upsetting it can be to share with a living sibling, and esp a twin, i can't fathom that depth of loss and grief and emotion. thoughts and prayers for you all as you navigate this. <3
I wish there was a "like" button on Natalie's comment!!! You are loved, dear friend. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteCrying right along with you and Ramsey. I have to assume no words will ever feel perfect as this just sucks. But your love will never fail Ramsey and God's love will never fail you as you struggle through finding the words to explain the unexplainable. Hugs to you all.
ReplyDeleteI began reading your blog right after Evie passed. I remember thinking how strong this woman must be to put the words and your grief out there for us to read. While I am not a mother myself I do have a niece and I know that children are prone to questions and Ramsey will ask you again what happened. I will pray that when the time comes again that God will bless you with the right words that will warm both your hearts when answering her question. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteAlicia, my heart breaks for you after this. Please never feel like you failed. You are an amazing mom.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying you and Ramsey find peace in a difficult conversation.
Have you thought about talking with the child life specialist again? Jennifer is our child life specialist in the ICU, sadly this is an exact situation she deals with many times a month and I have been with her during those convos and she is amazing. I could give you her email if you want. Just let me know!
I will be praying for your sweet family.
Oh Alish! My heart hurts just thinking about this. I don't know much but what I do know is that Ramsey is a smart girl and you always do such a good job of explaining things to her. I realize this is much deeper than the "basic" things you explain, but I am confident God will give you grace and wisdom when the time comes again. We love you!
ReplyDeleteAlicia my heart breaks for you and the conversation you are about to have with Ramsey. At the end be sure she knows that Evie is watching over all of you from Heaven & sharing in your happy times & sad times. Explain how happy you are that Jesus shared her with you for a while on earth & you will be forever together in heaven. Explain how you cry because you miss Evie, just like when she goes somewhere without you, you miss her. But how you are also happy that you are having fun where ever you are, and you also know that Evie is having fun in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteOh momma, oh momma...oh Alicia! You are a wonderful mother and Ramsey is a lucky girl. My experience as a pediatric oncology nurse tells me this. When you know the right time you will know exactly the right thing to say that will satisfy Ramsey's questions and curiosity. The best advice is t tell the truth. Using euphemisms is confusing and can be scary. You did such a good job and I cried big tears for your and Ramsey's broken hearts today! God bless you all and your baby on the way.
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