Sleepless Nights

I actually haven't had to many. You can ask Jonathan, I usually lay my head on the pillow and that is it. After Evie died Jonathan had a very hard time sleeping, constantly checking on Ramsey. I must have been to emotionally and physically exhausted cause i was out. Not saying that he wasn't but that is just what happened. Jonathan and my parents are very good about checking on Ramsey. I used to check on the girls all the time but now i absolutely can not do it. Once Ramsey is asleep in her room i can't go in there. I am in bed before Jonathan most nights so he will check on her before he goes to bed. My wake up call is her talking just like it has always been with the girls.

Last night was my first night in the new house without Jonathan. If you know me at all i hate with a passion being home alone. The craziest things happen, i think i have talked about this before. But tornados, house fires, break ins on both sides of our house, prank phone calls etc all seem to happen when its just me at home.

I am also used to having a big ole lab in bed with me. Growing up and when we were married. Except Maddie would always perk up at noises only she heard and then that would scare me so we would walk around and look for creepers outside the windows half the night.

No Maddie to protect me last night, that is when i miss her the most, that and when i get home there is no one at the door to greet me.

I am totally making a long story longer so i will get to the point. I went to sleep ok last night and then Ramseys angel care beeped (Jonathans friends gave it to us when he was having a tough time sleeping, it detects her heart rate and movements and if nothing is detected within 20 seconds it beeps and then goes nutso beeping) Last night it just beeped once so it woke me up but then it starting ticking away again so i knew she was fine or at least i hoped she was. I do know that i should have gone to check on her but i couldn't do it. I sat up in the bed and watched her on the monitor, waiting for her to move. When i clicked on the monitor she was laying face down in the corner of the bed, the exact position Evie was in when i found her. My heart was racing, but i just couldn't go in her room. Finally after a couple minutes she rolled over,major sigh of relief. I layed back down and stared at the ceiling for a good two hours. I talked to God and Evie and then got angry and sad and mad and frustrated and eventually i think i cried myself to sleep, thats the last thing i remember. Ramsey was my wake up call this morning around her usual 8:30 and i couldn't even move i was so tired. I think i laid there until i heard her saying "momma diapa change, poopy diapa, diapa change" over and over. That actually made me smile.

It took us a long time to get going this morning. I was sad and in a bad mood. I thought going to a friends house to play would help and it did somewhat. We came home because some sweet friends were bringing us a housewarming gift. Ramsey was winy and cried half the time. It's almost like having people at her house threw her for a loop or something. Since she was acting this way, I wanted to cry too but to not show any emotion in front of people ( i do not pride myself in this personality trait) i took it out on Ramsey and was very frustrated with her. After they left, we had a little talk about the way we act when company is over or yada yada yada to a 2 year old.

I walked into the kitchen to get lunch started and a couple minutes later she walked into the kitchen and said "i'm back" mom, hi, i'm back" to which i responded, glad to have you back. She walked over to me hugged my leg so tight just like my sweet Evie would do and kissed my leg and said lus you momma. WOW, talk about some major tears. I told her i was sorry too and then we were fine.

Talk about knowing what i needed, Ramsey sure does half the time. I have been amazed at how sweet and compassionate she has become. For all that she has been through, for her to even have and ounce of sweetness and compassion has amazed me.

Its so funny to think about how that all went down is how i am with God. I blamed him, wined to him and cried to him half the night and for me to just say Im back God, its me, i'm okay now and his immediate response to me would just be "i love you". It makes it easier for me to do the same for Ramsey. I am glad we have each other to be a comfort. I pray that she will always be able to come to me and tell me when she is angry or upset, even if it is about me and i pray that i will always be understanding and a good listener for her. She will have a lot of questions growing up and i pray that i can be there for her as much has she has helped me these past 9 months.

I love you Ramsey, i hope you know how proud i am of you :)

now its time for a nap :)

I sure do miss my companion