We talked a little about this with our therapist. Obviously everyone is different but going through each stage is perfectly normal and there are healthy and non healthy ways to deal with them.
the nominees in no particular order
denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance
and the winner goes to.....ANGER.
I have hit this stage like a ton a bricks.
I don't think i have been through denial, obviously there is no denying Evie isn't here. Except when i wake up each morning and realize it wasn't a dream. No reason to bargain, God will not never give her back to me on the earth and i am not sure if i will ever just accept the fact that she is gone.
The one that isn't on here would be numbness, i truly believe i have been in this stage since the second i found her in her bed. I remember crying so hard on the floor then standing up and walking to my room, glancing in the mirror and not seeing one tear on my face. How can you be crying that hard that you aren't even really crying.
The whole day is a blur. I remember our house was full of our family and close friends and i just sat there, no expression, no feelings, nothing.
I hardly remember going to pick the place where we would bury Evie, choosing a casket for her, going to the florist and picking out all the flowers for the funeral. How does a mother do that? I certainly have no idea how i did it but we did.
I hardly remember going shopping to buy a dress and shoes. I do remember my best friends and sister in laws being there helping me pick something, sneaking behind my back and not letting me pay for anything. I certainly know i got through that day because of them.
I remember when they went to pick out the dress Evie would wear. I didn't want to do it and they did it for me and brought me back choices. I finally picked the beautiful silk white dress with smocked pearls around the neck.
Then the next day viewing her sweet little body wearing that beautiful dress, laying in the casket we somehow picked out, surrounded by flowers and i remember just staring at her, no feelings just tears. A complete our of body experience.
I remember standing for 2 1/2 straight hours as people poured into the visitation and holding people telling them it was ok. Then it was time for the funeral to start, It was almost like i had held my breath the entire visitation and then was gasping for air and sobbing uncontrollably as i walked out.
During the funeral i think i just stared at Taylor. I don't remember much about what he said. Jonathan listens to it all the time while he is driving, but i don't have to courage to listen to it. I remember singing Jesus Loves Me and hearing a verse from the song i had never heard before...
Jesus loves me her who died
Heavens gate to open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let this little child come in
I remember our house being full of family and friends for the week or so after and
then Christmas came and then their birthday and then today, 6 months after and i am angry.
I don't understand why. A parent should not have to bury a child. The future i visioned for my family was erased just like that.
I look at pictures of us before Evie died and i feel like i am looking at someone elses life. I don't remember life before Evie died. I see happiness in our faces. I see our house and Maddie and their toys and their room and then i think all of that is just gone now. Evie's gone, Maddies gone, our house is gone. Nothing about our life is the same. I am supposed to be getting used to a new normal but i hate our new normal. I want my life back, i want my daughter back i want the happiness that has been stripped away from our faces back. But i will never get those things back, I will never be the same person i was. Their is a huge void in my life and nothing will be able to fill it.
For the longest time i couldn't even go to Evies gravesite. Jonathan would go a lot and ask me why i didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because my daughter was laying in a casket 12 feet under where i would stand. I know its just her body that is there, its not her but i gave birth to that body,took care of that body, kissed that body and held that body. It is her in there and i couldn't bear it. I have gotten past that and feel a since of closeness to her when i go now. I try not to think about her actually being buried there. I try to picture her running and playing with Maddie and Catherine in heaven and that helps some.
Last Monday was the beginning of several explosions from me. Ramsey had a really hard time at the pool and we left with her kicking and screaming and ended in the car with me screaming at God.
We went to Orlando last week and i thought it would be good for me to get away. To get out of the everyday routine of just surviving. The trip probably had to be the worst vacation i have ever been on. Ramsey has hit the terrible two's just as hard as i have hit the anger stage. I have no patience with her and i am pretty sure her and i had our equal share of "exorcisms". They are worse than fits for sure.
Lets just say we payed to park and go to Sea World and within 5 minutes had turned around and walked back to the car holding Ramsey as she is kicking and screaming at me and in turn i am screaming at her. She is uncontrollable, everything sets her off and everything she does sets me off. I am thankful for my parents for taking control of her the whole trip. Allowing me to just walk away or go to the pool by myself.
I have let God know exactly how i feel and as far as i am concerned he is my least favorite person right now. Yes i know, not very "christian" of me, yes i know he does love me but well i am just being honest.
I know in Destin i was able to snap out of it and most likely will snap out of this too but for right now this is how i feel and I hope Jonathan doesn't leave us before our terrible two and anger stage are over.
