dotmom

My friends Jessica, Natalie and Erica invited me to a mom conference in Birmingham this past weekend. We had a blast. It was an amazing conference with wonderful speakers!

We talked about what a good mom is and its not cooking the perfect meals, having a spotless home or even scrap-booking but being a light in our children's life, being a Mary instead of a Martha and sitting at the feet of God and just listening not running around making everything perfect.We went to breakout sessions on Raising girls, which was very interesting and helpful on learning what a girl is and what she needs at each stage of her life and another one on couponing and never paying full price, which i learned that i need a crock pot and then got overwhelmed with what she was saying so we played MASH...ha

The best thing that i got out of this weekend was when Angie Smith spoke. She spoke Friday night and had a breakout session on Loss. If you do not know her, you can go to her website. Her daughter Audrey was born into heaven just like Catherine, the day after her. Several people gave me her book when Evie died. She spoke about how we are always safe, playing on the shore and we are scared of being thrown into the deep end. For me i feel like i am constantly in the deep end and wished i could be on the shore for just a moment. I cried the whole time she spoke, thinking about mostly Catherine and how i did not grieve her correctly and it was ok to say that she was my daughter and to talk about her and be sad she wasn't here. Just because she never took a breath in this world doesn't mean she is less whole then Evie or Ramsey. God has made her whole in heaven.

Then Angie said, "i can remember sitting in a dark hospital room pushing a nurse call button asking the nurse to come take my child" and in the moment of her saying that i wept almost uncontrolably, i forgot that feeling. Those feelings of the day Catherine was born because i shoved them so deep inside and did not allow myself to be sad for the amount of time i should have. I never talked about my pain, i didn't know it was ok to grieve her. I never went to counseling. No one ever said to get over it and move on but they didn't have to, i knew that is what people were thinking because to the outside world, to someone who hasn't been through it, she didn't count, she wasn't full term, she wasn't alive when she was born, she did not have a birth nor death certificate and she is not buried anywhere. But i learned this weekend that that is all wrong. She was a child of God the moment she was conceived and is waiting on me in heaven, whole and complete in the eyes of her heavenly father and i will see her again.

Angie also had a breakout session on loss and to my surprise there were actually several women in there. My amazing friends chose to go with me and did not even hesitate. When she came in she decided God was telling her to not speak what she had planned but to have us all come sit on the floor and share our stories. It was amazing. There were stories of miscarriage and those babies are also whole in the eyes of God and i will see my baby we lost at 10 weeks again and it is ok to grieve that child as well. Another thing i shoved away.

Then a lady spoke about finding her 24 year old son in his bed and it just came out but i asked her if she has ever gotten that vision out of her head and how she deals with that now and she said that she pictures him in heaven and looks a pictures of him and only allows her self to see him that way. I have done the same but Satan loves to throw that picture of Evie into my head on occasion and i immediately look at a picture of her, that is what helps me.

Well i shouldn't have spoke because then Angie asked me to share my story. I wanted to tell my story but i hate talking in front of people and i knew i would sob the whole time but i did it and only because my friends were right next to me sobbing with me.

I started with our miscarriage, i talked about Catherine and that is when we learned our daughters were born a day apart and Audrey also had kidney issues, i thought that was crazy.

I talked about Evie and ramsey and then told Evies story. I realized i had every ladies story in there combined. Every pain they talked about i had all of them. It was amazing to share with these other women. Their thoughts and feelings were mine exactly and i felt so much better letting all of my raw emotions out. I am good at doing it on my blog but not in person, something i am working on.

We all agreed that we want people to ask us about our children, we want people to talk about them. You aren't going to make me sad by asking about Evie, i already am sad. I am always sad so don't be afraid to ask me how i am doing or to even mention Evie or Catherine's name.

Several women struggle with what to do when others ask how many children we have. This is something i sturggled with Catherine but not since Evie died. I claim Evie and Catherine and i don't care if i make you uncomfortable by saying i have 3 beautiful daughters, two are with jesus now and Ramsey is 2 1/2. I will always say that no matter where i am or who i am talking to. Mainly because i want Ramsey to be comfortable saying i have two sisters. I think this will allow her to share the gospel to other children, to talk about Jesus and that is the same for me as well.

God had a big plan for me this weekend and he was all over that conference. I was so glad my friends invited me and i met a new friend, Kelly! I was so thankful they went to the Loss session with me and just honored to have friends like them. We laughed and cried all weekend :)

Baby Update

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments and phone calls! We are excited about baby #5..isn't that crazy to think? Our 4th pregnancy and 5th baby! I have been very sick as i was with the others but this one had lingered longer. I am still pretty yucky at night and exhausted but very thankful that God blessed us with another baby.

My doctor is keeping a close eye on me and we have had several ultrasounds so far. The baby looks great and with the girls i had a shortened cervix that is why i was on bed rest. This time it is very long and we are excited about that. They will measure it every two weeks to make sure it stays that way. Friday we had the ultrasound i posted and we were excited to see lots of fluid and Baby H has kidneys, which is another huge blessing. Catherine was born without them. It is not a genetic thing but of course we worried with the girls and this one.

I am anxious, hoping everything goes well with this pregnancy, i don't know what it would be like to have a "normal" pregnancy. Of course i keep wondering what will go wrong but i can't live that way so i am just trying to be thankful things look good so far. God has a sweet plan for this baby!

On a whole other note, my phone was stolen from my car last week and i am using Jonathans old iphone which is an older version and i think apple is purposely making it terrible so i will get a new one. Its a piece, but its a phone!

I was looking through all his old photos from over a year ago when he used it and found the sweetest video that makes me smile. The big belly laugh is coming from Evie. She had the best laugh :)

Maybe Ramsey will get to have another sister to giggle with

or a sweet little brother to beat up on :)

We wont know until March!

Meet...

The newest member of our family...

I am 15 weeks and Baby Harrison is due in March!

Nashvegas

We went back to Nashville this weekend for our annual trip to the Allens. We always have such a fun weekend. The kids love playing together and we hang out, eat a lot, watch the Vols play, have an adult night out and catch up.

Sweet Hudson

Kiddie corn hole tournament

At least she looked cute even though we lost :(

We got babysitters and went out to dinner at Sol in Franklin and walked around the square.

Ramsey did great this weekend, I know she enjoyed playing with all the kids and they were all so sweet to each other. We missed Evie a lot this weekend thinking of how much fun she had last year and remembering different things the girls did.

I found Ramsey playing in this house this morning before we left. She was just sitting there talking and playing and was in there a long time. I just pictured Evie in there with her. I know she misses her playmate and best friend. It makes me sad for her but i am still amazed at how well she is doing.

a month in review

with iphone pics!

Sorry i have been such a blog slacker!

We have been trying to get settled in and fall has been quite busy so far!

Ramsey started back to school and had a blowout on the first day and had to wear her emergency clothes...you can tell she was not happy about this.

We cheered on the Vols for their first victory Labor Day Weekend and have enjoyed another win since. I forgot what this felt like!

Jonathan took me to my favorite restraunt, Houstons, for my bday!

My last year in my 20's :(

We went to the Wingos for a cookout for my birthday, actually Labor Day, same difference.

They embarrassed me and Ramsey by singing Happy Birthday :)

My friend Katie painted this for Ramsey's room " Together Forever" to represent Evie and Ramsey.

This painting inspired my fabric choices for Ramsey's room. I found these at Ittybittybella.

Her bedding will be the paisley and minky dot. Her curtains is the middle fabric and the stripe are pillows. I am really excited about sewing them.

I already made her curtains. The sun sets in her window and makes it hard to sleep during naps so these were a must. I do love to sew and if you need curtains or pillows done you can contact me!

We went to the zoo with a bunch of friends and the first thing Ramsey wanted to do was see the birds. She loves this. She even tries to pet them and when they bite her she thinks its funny!
I had a baby shower for my friend Stephanie on Saturday morning so Jonathan took Ramsey to the Germantown Festival. She had a blast riding all the rides. Her favorite were the swings of course.

and the mini Carousel

After the shower i went to the festival and did a little shopping!

I bought some stuff for our front door

Love my pumpkin!

Nana painted Ramsey's toes and fingernails with playdough!

and we have been playing hide and go seek in all the boxes we have lying around our house still half unpacked!

That about sums up our September so far!

Hell's Kitchen

We have our very own Chef Ramsey around here except she isnt quite as mean as the TV one. Give her a waffle and a little syrup and she is happy. She actually made her own breakfast yesterday morning

I will have to brag on her, she didnt even miss the bowl pouring in all the ingredients and she honestly did all of it by herself.

"my hi can do it" she says. We don't know who hi is but its really cute when she says it.

No telling where she gets this do it myself attitude from......(guilty)

Don't be Koi with me!

I really never knew what that meant until we bought our house and inherited a Koi pond.

Ramsey has loved them and her job is to feed them every morning. Which i think they eat what's in the pond but there was food here when we moved in so we assumed that is what we were supposed to do. When we come out the door they all pop their heads up and open their mouths. Jonathan counted 15. There are really tiny ones and then two really big ones and a bunch in between. They are pretty sweet and love when we are outside. Its almost like it makes them happy or something.

With a pond i know there can be snakes and the people before saw one when they were playing with the fish and yesterday i had my first encounter with one. Well not my first snake encounter, that actually occurred when my cousin Paige and i were playing at my grandmothers, there was a huge one and mom and aunt Peggy yelled for us to go get the hoe and we ran and got the hose...silly little girls. I think the snake slithered away during all the laughter. How were 5 year olds supposed to know what a hoe was? ha

Anyhoo, I was putting fresh water in the pond because i thought it would be refreshing for them (apparently this totally freaks them out) i went to put it back and saw something slither in front of me, i swear i jumped a mile into the air and screamed something profane and ran. All the while Ramsey is saying momma what happen what happen. I told her there was a snake and she said, i want to see it..no you don't ramsey, trust me. It was the color of the grass so i only saw it slithering away. If i see more of these little suckers the pond might have to go but for now we are enjoying it!

Ramsey giggles like a little girl when they suck on her fingers

This is one of our big ones

This one liked Ramsey the best