dotmom

My friends Jessica, Natalie and Erica invited me to a mom conference in Birmingham this past weekend. We had a blast. It was an amazing conference with wonderful speakers!

We talked about what a good mom is and its not cooking the perfect meals, having a spotless home or even scrap-booking but being a light in our children's life, being a Mary instead of a Martha and sitting at the feet of God and just listening not running around making everything perfect.We went to breakout sessions on Raising girls, which was very interesting and helpful on learning what a girl is and what she needs at each stage of her life and another one on couponing and never paying full price, which i learned that i need a crock pot and then got overwhelmed with what she was saying so we played MASH...ha

The best thing that i got out of this weekend was when Angie Smith spoke. She spoke Friday night and had a breakout session on Loss. If you do not know her, you can go to her website. Her daughter Audrey was born into heaven just like Catherine, the day after her. Several people gave me her book when Evie died. She spoke about how we are always safe, playing on the shore and we are scared of being thrown into the deep end. For me i feel like i am constantly in the deep end and wished i could be on the shore for just a moment. I cried the whole time she spoke, thinking about mostly Catherine and how i did not grieve her correctly and it was ok to say that she was my daughter and to talk about her and be sad she wasn't here. Just because she never took a breath in this world doesn't mean she is less whole then Evie or Ramsey. God has made her whole in heaven.

Then Angie said, "i can remember sitting in a dark hospital room pushing a nurse call button asking the nurse to come take my child" and in the moment of her saying that i wept almost uncontrolably, i forgot that feeling. Those feelings of the day Catherine was born because i shoved them so deep inside and did not allow myself to be sad for the amount of time i should have. I never talked about my pain, i didn't know it was ok to grieve her. I never went to counseling. No one ever said to get over it and move on but they didn't have to, i knew that is what people were thinking because to the outside world, to someone who hasn't been through it, she didn't count, she wasn't full term, she wasn't alive when she was born, she did not have a birth nor death certificate and she is not buried anywhere. But i learned this weekend that that is all wrong. She was a child of God the moment she was conceived and is waiting on me in heaven, whole and complete in the eyes of her heavenly father and i will see her again.

Angie also had a breakout session on loss and to my surprise there were actually several women in there. My amazing friends chose to go with me and did not even hesitate. When she came in she decided God was telling her to not speak what she had planned but to have us all come sit on the floor and share our stories. It was amazing. There were stories of miscarriage and those babies are also whole in the eyes of God and i will see my baby we lost at 10 weeks again and it is ok to grieve that child as well. Another thing i shoved away.

Then a lady spoke about finding her 24 year old son in his bed and it just came out but i asked her if she has ever gotten that vision out of her head and how she deals with that now and she said that she pictures him in heaven and looks a pictures of him and only allows her self to see him that way. I have done the same but Satan loves to throw that picture of Evie into my head on occasion and i immediately look at a picture of her, that is what helps me.

Well i shouldn't have spoke because then Angie asked me to share my story. I wanted to tell my story but i hate talking in front of people and i knew i would sob the whole time but i did it and only because my friends were right next to me sobbing with me.

I started with our miscarriage, i talked about Catherine and that is when we learned our daughters were born a day apart and Audrey also had kidney issues, i thought that was crazy.

I talked about Evie and ramsey and then told Evies story. I realized i had every ladies story in there combined. Every pain they talked about i had all of them. It was amazing to share with these other women. Their thoughts and feelings were mine exactly and i felt so much better letting all of my raw emotions out. I am good at doing it on my blog but not in person, something i am working on.

We all agreed that we want people to ask us about our children, we want people to talk about them. You aren't going to make me sad by asking about Evie, i already am sad. I am always sad so don't be afraid to ask me how i am doing or to even mention Evie or Catherine's name.

Several women struggle with what to do when others ask how many children we have. This is something i sturggled with Catherine but not since Evie died. I claim Evie and Catherine and i don't care if i make you uncomfortable by saying i have 3 beautiful daughters, two are with jesus now and Ramsey is 2 1/2. I will always say that no matter where i am or who i am talking to. Mainly because i want Ramsey to be comfortable saying i have two sisters. I think this will allow her to share the gospel to other children, to talk about Jesus and that is the same for me as well.

God had a big plan for me this weekend and he was all over that conference. I was so glad my friends invited me and i met a new friend, Kelly! I was so thankful they went to the Loss session with me and just honored to have friends like them. We laughed and cried all weekend :)