I always look through pictures when i am sad. They usually help me and make me laugh remembering that exact moment the picture was taken but sometimes i will look at the silliest pictures and feel like i am being punched in the stomach. Something about them truly breaks my heart.
I look at pictures like this one of the two of us and i wonder if i will ever be as happy as i was at that exact moment. This was the girls first birthday, the only birthday i spent with Evie. Even the actual day the girls were born i did not get to see them or hold them. I didn't see them until the next day. Jonathan showed me pictures of them from the nicu and i remember not even feeling like i was looking at my own children. It was very strange. When i finally got to see them it was an amazing feeling.
I am so glad we had the girls pictures taken each milestone. Ashleigh always did an amazing job capturing the girls personalities and even silly facial expressions the girls would make.
I loved the idea of using the balloon for their first birthday. Little did i know a pink balloon would soon represent Evie in all of our pictures. This picture means so much more to me now. Even seeing her in this field reminds me of Heaven and i can picture her there.
I am so glad we had the girls pictures taken each milestone. Ashleigh always did an amazing job capturing the girls personalities and even silly facial expressions the girls would make.
They capture Evie's silliness and sweet disposition and i am so grateful for these.
I loved the idea of using the balloon for their first birthday. Little did i know a pink balloon would soon represent Evie in all of our pictures. This picture means so much more to me now. Even seeing her in this field reminds me of Heaven and i can picture her there.
Praying for you sweet friend. You will have this happiness again...its just a different kind of happiness. One where you know she is missing but can smile knowing all her life meant to you and so many. I am proud of you today, yesterday, and tomorrow. You are a wonderful mommy to all your children!
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something to say that could make the pain stop or not hurt so bad. I never know what to say to people in situations like this, except I am sorry and that I pray tomorrow doesn't hurt as bad as today. You are a strong woman of God even if you don't feel strong. God's strength definitely shines through you when you write.
ReplyDeleteTo say that my heart aches for you is an understatement.
ReplyDeleteMy first daughter almost died during labor (due to undiagnosed vasa previa and velamentous cord insertion) and I had to have a crash c-section. Because I "missed" the delivery, I spent the first few days convincing myself that she was really mine.
I hope that you will have happiness again, that is greater than you can imagine.
Alicia,
ReplyDeleteShe is beautiful. My heart aches for you. I pray that your new precious baby helps heal that ache you feel. Nothing can replace Evie...she is perfect and the exact baby girl you were meant to have. But there is hope in new life. And hope, in time, heals. This is my prayer for you and your husband and especially Ramsey!
I've had lots of extra prayer time thanks to these night-time feedings with Emery:) I have been thinking about you and praying for you so much! I know this has to be such a strange time of excitement and sadness all at the same time. Thinking about you!!!
ReplyDeleteThe last picture of Evie perfectly depicts how I imagine her in Heaven....she is such a beautiful angel. Although you will never completely get over her not being here on earth with you, you will continue to heal and grow from this experience...even when it feels like you're going back to square one a lot of days. Praying for continual strength and healing for you and Jonathon. You guys have truly done amazing! Love you and am praying for a perfect delivery for you and the baby!
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